What is that sad looking lump of Playdough in the mirror? Speedo season is just around the corner. Time to get a bit more exercise in the bones. But I’m a lazy lump. To help, I’ve designed an easy, practical workout scheme that anyone can follow. Here are a few tips to combine exercising and practical everyday needs.
Firstly, I hate gyms – they are smelly, cost too much and are littered with judgy, neurotic people. I need something much more practical. Part one entails running. I also need some necessities. Wow, what a great idea, combining running and shopping (New Olympic Sport?). Off I go. However, once I get my groceries: – one large bottle of Vodka, some cranberry juice (a healthy alternative), a bag of oranges and Doritos (I need the carbs after my twenty minute exhausting run) – I realize that my knapsack is too small, so I give the oranges to some guy hanging around the liquor store. But the best thing! I killed a flock of birds with a giant boulder – exercising, shopping and saving cash – there’s only so much you can pack into a knapsack, so you don’t buy crap you don’t need.
Now what else can I do for that Speedo bod? I go into the basement. My bike. I will ride my bike to work. That way I can save on gas and parking. Ok, but I’ll need to be prepared for this one. It’s still very icy and cold outside (spring really doesn’t come here until June). Snow tires. I look at the bald tires on my bike (Ok, so I haven’t ridden it since the seventies). Studs. No problem I can make those. Thumb tacks will work just fine. I take off the tires, poke a few thumb tacks through the very thin rubber and seal it with sealant I used (ok so I intended to use) for a kitchen sink repair. Pluck on the long ginch, strap wool socks over (yes over) my tennis shoes and wrap a long florescent scarf over my face and head. I have to debate whether to take the vodka or not. It’s cold out there and I might need some warmth on my twenty minute bike jaunt. Plus the extra weight is good for exercise, right? Vodka wins.
Another great idea. I’m going to get a pet because you have to get out and actually walk the thing, right? But I don’t have the time to take care of an animal. But guess what? There’s an app for that. You choose the kind of pseudo pet you want (I chose a min-pin, yorkie, pit bull cross – the dog has attitude but lamas and lizards are also options) and the app tells you when to take it for a walk, a pee or feed it, so you actually have to get off the couch and take care of your pet. Not only do I get great exercise, but the app is way cheaper than actually owning a hound. (Ok, so there’s isn’t a pet app but if you’re looking for an invention!!!)
One final great idea. There’s a free stairmaster in any apartment or office building on your way to work or after work. It’s called the stairs (brilliant or what?). And if you break in illegally, you can have the overweight security guard chase you up and down the stairs – great for a high tempo run. So there you go – triathlon training at it’s best – running to the liquor store, biking to work with spirits on your back and swimming in the bottle of vodka you take on all your training exercises.
Please don’t try these at home kids. Leave exercising to professionals – now go back to Netflix binging.