When I got up nice and early this morning to go for my run, the sky was still pitch black. A darkness so black it was like running into a tunnel with no light at the end. As I stepped outside, I knew a creepy darkness was going to fill my morning escapade.
So here I am running around 5:30 am and usually I am the only person on foot in the park. There are the occasional cyclists, but I know most of them by their “good morning” or the silence they pass on (that early morning silence speaks tons). Yep, it’s just me, the deer and the beaver clan. On this run through the pit of darkness, I look behind me which I never do because there’s usually no one behind me but, to my horror, there’s a light following me. I try to shake the beam trailing me, but it won’t go away. I speed up. It speeds up. I decide to take a quick right because no one ever goes this way except me and the beavers. I jerk my head and look behind. The halogen beam is still clinging to my ass like a squished piece of tomato I just sat on. I’m getting nervous. What if this stalker wants to jump me and steal my disgustingly sweaty reflective coat or my Samsung Galaxy S 000, the first one ever made, or maybe they want the ten buck reflective hat I bought on the weekend. Oh the horror!
Of course I don’t think in my paranoid, read too many John la Carre novels mind, what stupid attacker would hide in the bushes or run behind you with a gigantic high beam halogen light. A light that spreads enough radiance to land a 747.
A new plan dawns on me. I’ll just out run the bastard. I pick up the pace. I’m flying through the air so quickly, my feet don’t even touch the ground. Then I get this idea. I’m going to loop around at the end of the path, so I’ll face my supposed attacker on the way back. And when I see their ugly face, I’ll wish the person a “good morning.” There is nothing worse to a CIA ninja assassin than a pleasant “good morning.” That’s right kill the agent with kindness. Take that Smiley.
I continue to glide to the end of the path and turn around. I’m running directly towards the ninja drone coming down the path. Our halogen beams ready to tangle. Soon we’ll be face to face and I‘ll meet the object of my fear. I’m primed, fists clenched. We meet and I look him strait in the eye balls and I immediately drop my stink eye. The guy must have been about ninety years old. But he was really clipping along for an old feller. He looks up at me and with a huge gleaming smile and says, “Good morning, young fella. Nice pace you got there. Keep up the good work.” My heart sinks.
When I go home I check my time. Very, very quick indeed. Paranoid equals super fast time. Thanks old feller. This is my second fastest time on the dark path. My personal best record was when I thought a pit bull in the bushes was chasing me, but it turned out to be a squirrel with an attitude.