I am nothing more than a bag of disease ridden phlegm (what a way to bring in the New Year) – snot is flowing, my body aches and my nose feels like it’s going to rub right off my face. I feel like I was dragged ten clicks behind a truck and then the guy decided to run over me for good measure. I’ve gone through enough Kleenex to have wiped out the entire Amazon rain forest. What are they going to do in the future when wood is so scarce they can’t make tissues? – synthetic tissue or maybe we’ll go back to the germ infested hankie, which I’m sure caused the bubonic plague, the same disease I’m suffering from now. Hang on, I have to stuff a few wads of Kleenex up my nose so I won’t drip on the keyboard.
Yes, no Champagne on this New Year’s eve for me – give me jammies and a nice steaming hot cup of neo-citron, some amoxicillin and ibuprofen … wooohoooo!!! Ooops I just sneezed and shot the snot wad that was in my nose across the room. It made quite a slap on the window and then slowly slithered down, leaving the most disgusting snail trail across my window. Oh well I’ll blame it on the bugs. But wait this is January and there aren’t any bugs around. We do have kids that come over, so I’ll blame it on them – same diff, bugs, kids.
Time to ring in the New Year. What to ring in? What I really want is to never get sick again. That’s my resolution – don’t get sick. And this means no contact with any of the disease infested rats that live near me or contact with any kid or person who has been anywhere near a daycare, swimming pool, hot tub or gathering of more than five people (there will be a questionnaire). All of them germ incubating cesspools. I’m going to make myself a hermetically sealed room in the basement and you can only enter after you have taken a shower so hot that it actually peels the skin off you. In fact I think I will seal off the whole basement ….
Man I can really see myself going Hughes with only the slightest push. “Towards the end of his life, he lay naked in bed in darkened hotel rooms in what he considered a germ-free zone. He wore tissue boxes on his feet to protect them. And he burned his clothing if someone near him became ill” (American Psychological Association). I feel for ya, Howie. Hey I could pitch a new reality show. Germ prepers / horders and it’s all about these guys who are afraid of germs. Yes, I’m going to live in my plastic basement, eat plastic food and create plastic friends on the internet through Facebook. I mean what do you really need in this artificial universe?
The only thing I need from the outside world is food. And they deliver. Pizza. Yea, that’s it, a sealed room cut off from society and pizza and Facebook. What else can an aspiring four hundred pound man want?
Well, got to run. My wife wants me to take the garbage out and she doesn’t care what kind of man cold I have. But seriously, my New Year’s resolution is the same every year – be a kinder, gentler, better person. Unfortunately, this mantra lasts as long as my gym membership.